Maybe it is too late, after all. You can’t just go on as if things are the same as they have always been. You gotta do something permanent and decisive and true. Or at least try to. Today, I feel I am trying to live a life that would’ve been perfect for me 10 years ago. But now, I wonder what in the hell I am doing.
The day was beautiful, bright, fat clouds in a perfectly clear sky, but I had to force myself to even notice. Look up, I said to myself. Notice how beautiful the day is. I look up–register blue, white, sun. I return my gaze to my lap, grinding my teeth. My toenail throbs–just another pain in a constellation of aches. I limp home across the bridge. This town shines, but all I know is that I have no spaghetti sauce. That the bananas have gone to black ruin. That there are only two beers left. That I will be too tired to go to the store.
So strange to go from victory to defeat back to victory so quickly. Each day I am both destroyed and affirmed.